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Nancy May, Host, Eldercare Success: How to beat the caregiving

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blues before they beat you.

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Stay tuned.

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There's actually a little extra special note at the end of this episode that I

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think you're going to want to hear about.

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You might be surprised.

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Hello everybody, it's Nancy May from Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

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today's episode is all about a topic that hits very close to home for

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me and so many other caregivers.

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The risk of depression when caring for our aging parents.

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As someone who has personally experienced the emotional ups and downs of this

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journey, I know how easy it is for both caregivers and our elderly loved ones to

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slip into those beyond the blues mood.

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It's an unfortunate reality that the stress and demands of caregiving

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can take a significant toll on our mental and yes, even physical health.

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Constantly worrying about the physical strain and the stress of isolation.

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It's a lot for any one person to shoulder.

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And for those of us caring for aging parents, we have the added burden

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of watching our loved ones decline.

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That can hurt.

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But, before we go any further, I want to be very clear.

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Feeling sad and down at times is completely normal and an understandable

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reaction to the caregiving journey.

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But when those feelings of sadness start to linger for days and even

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weeks on end, then that's when you should start to be concerned.

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Beyond ourselves, you also want to look at signs of the blues and

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depression in our aging parents, because if you're feeling this way,

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chances are it's carrying over to them because they're feeling it in you too.

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You see, we're not alone in all of this, and it may sound obvious.

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But maybe not.

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our parents that we knew as strong, competent, dependable individuals that

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we relied on, are facing a lot more in these challenges of aging than we are.

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It's quite common for our aging parents or a more frail loved

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one to also become depressed.

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because they're facing the hard realization of their own new reality or

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persistent physical limitations, the loss of some level of independence, or even the

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passing of a friend or perhaps a sibling or another loved one, or even a spouse,

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All of that piling up over time becomes quite depressing.

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Even talking about it does.

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However, these things and more often cause mom and dad to become more isolated from

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their friends, their social networks, and even other family members, perhaps even

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your own siblings who are afraid of seeing their parents and yours become uncapable

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of managing themselves day in and day out.

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Honestly.

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Been there and done that.

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It's incredibly difficult to see our parents who were once full of

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energy and, well yes, we'll say life, for lack of a better term.

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But you get it, slowly becoming frail and vulnerable.

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All these points can become incredibly depressing for them too.

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as active adults, it's generally easy to see and feel signs of the

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blues or depression in ourselves.

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Because we're the ones who are physically experiencing this first hand.

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when we are so consumed and focused on caring for others, our moods

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and desires can fall into a place other than where they normally are.

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More upbeat to a kind of down.

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However, it really can be hard to recognize those signs of the blues

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and depression in our parents because we're so focused on the busy tasks of

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getting things done and caring for them.

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And yes, quite frankly, our own family's well being too.

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So, how do you avoid this downward spiral and keeping the blues at bay

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for both ourselves and our loved ones?

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In this case, mom and dad.

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Well, I've got a few tips to share, but before we go there,

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I want to take a quick break.

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I'd like to recommend getting the book, How to Survive 9 1 1

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Medical Emergencies, a step by step guide before, during, and after.

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It's a really easy to read yet detailed caregiver's guide on how to stay

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in control and not get caught off guard when you need to call for help.

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in this book, you'll learn easy steps to make sure the 9 1 1 responders can more

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quickly get to you or your parents house.

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You'll also get answers on such concerns like, do you really need to go to the

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hospital when they come to help you out?

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and how to get better support and care in the hospital, get discharged faster, and

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even get help during natural disasters.

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And we're right in the middle of hurricane season as I record this.

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So that's a biggie.

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To get your copy of How to Survive 911 Medical Emergency is a step by

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step guide before, during and after.

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All you need to do is go HowToSurvive911.com You'll even be able

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to get a complimentary file of life.

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This one's been written for you and your folks.

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Now back to our show.

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So what are some tips to help you and your parents address the blues

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so that they don't get worse?

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First and foremost, you as their caregiver need to make self

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care absolutely a priority.

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I know, I know, you've heard this time and time again by countless other

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podcasters and other people who are telling you to do the same as well.

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But that's easier said than done.

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but believe me I know how difficult that is when you fall into that rut of putting

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everybody else's care first beyond yours.

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I hate this term but I'm gonna say it anyway.

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Trust me.

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Taking 10 to 15 or even 5 minutes to do something that makes you chuckle,

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have an outright belly laugh or just a smile can make a world of difference

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in your day or maybe even your week.

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Whether it's a light hearted book Or washing your face at the end of

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a long day, just to feel a little cleaner and a little bit better.

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And then smiling at yourself in the mirror, sitting on the front porch with

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a cup of honey tea, or simply sitting quietly and watching the sunset and

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the fireflies coming out at night.

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It's important to find those little pockets of time for yourself.

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Stop, take a breath.

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Let's do it now together.

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And just exhale.

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ooh, that just made me feel better too.

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And you know what?

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This is when being selfish is truly okay.

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And this time it's all about you.

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Have some fun.

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Celebrate like it's 1999.

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And for those of you who remember that song, or maybe that

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year, you'll know what I mean.

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Another tip that you've heard time and time again, and I've said here

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before, is to build a strong support network, both in person and online.

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Joining a caregiver support group, whether local or virtual, can provide an

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invaluable outlet to share your struggles and connect with others who truly

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understand what you're going through.

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Although I do really want to warn you about some of these

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online caregiver networks.

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They can be terribly depressing and filled with all sorts of complaints,

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yadda, yadda, yadda, notices of a loved one that might have died

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that night, and so much more.

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You know, I peruse through those as well.

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And I have to say they are beyond depressing at times.

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So I dig myself out of that ditch as well, right there by your side.

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Instead, I suggest you find one that's focused on being positive, supportive,

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and uplifting as much as possible.

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Even if they just share funny little stories.

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A simple smile, even if it's to yourself, can go a long way.

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Honestly, you really can't avoid those tough days, especially as a caregiver,

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but you can avoid the constant dark cloud gabbers, as I call them.

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And don't be afraid to lean into a family member and friends.

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You'd be surprised just how many are willing to help

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you if you know how to ask.

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Here again, making such an ask, especially if you're the primary

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caregiver, You need to focus on the positive ways that they can easily help,

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emphasize easy, and be more engaged versus demanding or trying to place

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the blame on them or guilt on somebody else for not being readily available.

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This is especially true of siblings.

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You know, as the old saying goes, you get more bees with honey.

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Well, maybe I don't necessarily want another bee, but I'll certainly

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take an extra spoonful of honey.

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Now, let's jump into helping our aging parents with blues and depression.

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Here are a few tips on that one.

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Before I start down this road, I'd like to share a few things that

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I wasn't aware of when my mom was dealing with some of these issues.

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I'd make regular trips to Florida to visit and check in on mom and dad even before

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they decided to move into a care facility.

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However, on this one particular trip, I noticed a few things were a little off

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with mom, off of her center of normal.

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She slept for hours on end and was in bed by the time I arrived at 5 p.

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m.

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Things on her desk next to her computer were piling up and looked

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even more out of sorts than normal.

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that night after walking in the door at their home, Dad said, as

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he always would, Are you hungry?

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Have you had dinner?

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I'm sure there's something in the fridge.

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then we walked over together, opened the refrigerator, and it was pretty bare,

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except for an old piece of dried up steak, probably about 2 or 3 inches at most.

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now Mom and Dad's refrigerator was usually filled with a bunch of

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leftovers, which Dad would call Sniggles.

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He'd usually pick them up and snack on them the next day or the day

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after that before they were all gone.

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Waste not, want not.

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but this time and totally out of character for dad, he said in an annoying voice, see

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this is what I have to deal with lately.

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I knew the only grocery store aisles that he was familiar with

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were the cereal, the milk, skim of course, and the ice cream aisles.

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Annoyed with Dad myself.

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I really hated to feel that way.

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I told him quite sternly, you're going to have to learn to help.

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And he did, with a little guidance.

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We made a game out of it, actually.

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And he was surprised at how much was in the grocery store.

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Oof!

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Surprise, surprise!

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Yes, you can get a whole baked chicken and not have to cook it yourself.

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Okay, that's for another story.

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But I share this only to point out, as much as we love our folks, the

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blues, frustration, and yes, even deep depression, can creep into their lives

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as well as ours, and rather quickly too.

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For mom and dad, that meant quick action was needed on my part.

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For you, different steps may be needed.

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However, here are a few ways to help them if you're starting to

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see a slip in emotional well being.

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Ideally, it's always better to get ahead of the curve you can, instead of being

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caught behind it like I was with my folks.

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So to start, for our elderly loved ones You know, I really hate calling

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my mom and dad elderly or even hated calling them elderly back then But even

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still Getting them engaged in creative stimulating activities can be a real mood

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booster This doesn't need to be a lot.

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I mean it doesn't even need to be childish or stupid like some facilities

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have But sending them a book that you enjoyed Even one that you've

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read that might be a little dog eared

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and then talking about it together on the phone or on zoom can help a lot.

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It'll also give you just a little bit of insights on how they're feeling.

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Music can be magic for many, even a local afternoon concert

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Or it could be as simple as signing them up for a service like Spotify

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And sending them a playlist that they can put on before or after dinner each night.

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if you can arrange it, and if they don't have pets and they like animals, perhaps

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a friendly dog therapy pro can come in.

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A puppy sitting on mom's lap worked wonders.

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Dad's too.

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these tiny little gestures give them, and us sometimes, just something

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to look forward to each week.

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If you have one of those e photo frames, you can also upload and send

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photos of family outings that you've done, or things that are going on

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during the week, or even scanning photos from past old family adventures

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that you enjoyed with them as kids.

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A walk down Memory Lane can bring a much needed smile to their face, and yours.

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There's a lot more that you can do, but these are just a

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few tips to get you started.

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And it's important to recognize that some of the symptoms of the

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blues and deeper depression can result in more serious issues.

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I've attached a PDF list of what to watch out for on this front with your folks.

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There's a link to this list in the episode notes.

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It's called Blues and Depression Signs to Watch Out for with Your Parents.

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Some of those things are going to be obvious, but there are going to be a

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few that you might not even thought of.

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the most important things to remember is that it's okay.

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Well, actually it's normal to feel a little sad and overwhelmed at times.

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Be that you or your folks.

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But please remember if those feelings are starting to linger and interfere

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in your daily lives, or you notice something's happening with your parents,

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including sleep patterns, eating, whether that be too much or too little, and

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even changes in hygiene habits, please do reach out for professional help.

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As we all know, loneliness and isolation is becoming an epidemic.

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Be that physical or emotional, and it can lead to severe clinical depression,

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which is not something you or your parents should ever feel ashamed about.

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it's a very real issue, and the good news is that it's treatable.

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a rainbow and a smile can lead to a better day.

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Actually, here in Florida, I call it the Rainbow State, Because you never know when

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you're going to see a rainbow the clouds and the mist during the rainy season.

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You and your mom and dad deserve to feel happy and fulfilled, even in the

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middle of this challenging journey.

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On your side, caring for them.

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And on their side, getting older and more frail.

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On that note, a great way to feel better is to help another caregiver who

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might be dealing with the stress and strain and uncertainty of what's next.

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You can help them, and me too, and others by simply sharing a link to

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this show at EldercareSuccess.Live.

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It can be your gift to them because it's my gift to you.

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P.

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S.

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Now here's the part I mentioned to listen to at the beginning of the show.

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I'm recording this episode on what would have been my dad's

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104th birthday, July 26th.

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I miss him terribly, but I have plans to go decorate his and mom's

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grave site with a bunch of bling and sparkles and true red, white,

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and blue, which he loved Mom too.

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I'll send a photo to my sister who asked to see the outcome.

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That's just one way I'm keeping the blues at bay when missing my folks

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that I loved and care for so much.

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I know it sounds kind of weird, but you know what?

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It's gonna bring a smile to my face.

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It is right now.

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I hope this episode has given you some practical tips and ideas to

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keep the caregiving blues at bay.

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Remember, you're not alone in this.

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I've been there, and I'm here to support you every step of the way.

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And until then, this is Nancy May wishing you all the best

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in your Eldercare Success.

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Be well, stay well, and take care.

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Bye bye.