Getting Mom & Dad to Accept Help. Tips and More!

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How do you get mom and dad to accept help when they

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think they don't need any of it?

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Stay tuned.

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You're going to like this one.

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Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of Doing It

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Best With Eldercare Success.

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I'm your host, Nancy May, and we're diving into a topic that is close to my

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heart Finding the right balance between respecting our aging parents independence

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and stepping into care for them.

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As mom and dad get older and show some signs that start you thinking, Oh my

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gosh, they are not like they used to be and really could use a lot of help.

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It's natural to want to step in and take some level of control.

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After all, many of us are parents ourselves and jumping into support

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our children or others that we care and love for is part instinct and

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part love, or really a lot of love.

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But control is the word or action that can cause all sorts of havoc for them, for

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you, and for other family members, right?

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Hovering or constantly pestering can strain that relationship, You know that

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feeling when somebody is just a little too close and you say, Step back.

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I can't take it anymore.

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Or constantly pestering.

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That nyeh that just goes on and on and on.

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Not always intentionally.

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But that can strain relationships.

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Not just between mom and dad, but between siblings who think that you might be

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taking over or taking control or taking things that they feel you shouldn't

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And it can also lead to your own family resentment, mistrust, and being locked

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out of being allowed to help your parents when they might need you most.

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So all of those actually make for a dangerous and bigger recipe for disaster,

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So what's the key in finding ways to be supportive without being overbearing?

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The entire subject can be challenging and frustrating on many levels.

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Believe me, been there, done that, tried it all, and had

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some missteps along the way.

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But, ultimately, some really great outcomes.

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Let me take a side road or a side step to set the stage on the whole

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issue of control and freedom.

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It all started with wanting to learn to ride a motorcycle.

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That's moi.

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So, Let me tell you, I am not your average biker chick.

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I made sure Swarovski crystals were blinged out over my helmet to the

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point where it would nearly blind anybody behind me when the sun was out.

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Second, on cooler days, I'd have my black fox fur collar tucked

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inside my jacket and another one on the inner part of my riding chaps.

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Okay, that might be a little TMI, but you know what?

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It's about a 15 degree lower differential when you're riding a bike.

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So 50 degrees out, it's a little chilly on all parts of the body.

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I know TMI, but I'm sharing anyway.

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In the beginning, my husband, who didn't ride, was constantly worried

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I would crash or get hit by a car.

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The idea of scraping me up off the macadam like roadkill with tire tracks on my back

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was something he really wanted to avoid.

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Thank you dear, I appreciate that.

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So, to ease his fears, we came up with a compromise.

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I would go out riding, bling and all, and he would follow behind in

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the car on a planned lunch route destination, usually a local diner.

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We loved the sycamore up in Bethel, Connecticut.

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A little grungy, but a lot of fun.

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Then, when we were done, I would ride home alone on a planned route

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So, just in case, he got that call saying, come pick her up.

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She's roadkill.

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Luckily, that never happened.

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But I always share that route and an approximate time upon my return.

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The dogs always knew when I was around the corner for some reason.

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Their sharp ears would let them know that I was on the way home.

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Thank you, Mighty Quinn.

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And thank you, Otis of Reading.

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However, this plan allowed me my independence to enjoy my new hobby while

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giving him peace of mind that I was safe.

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We all need to find a similar win win arrangement with our aging parents.

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All right, maybe they're not biker dudes, but that's okay.

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. The concept is still the same.

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Here are a few tips to actually get you going on that freedom

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conversation with a little bit of ease and peace of mind for you.

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Please remember that our parents have been freewheeling and independent

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from our control all their lives.

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After all, we were their kids at one point, and we still are.

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The transition of having someone be that you, a sibling or another person step in

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and try and take control of their lives,

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is likely not how they want to live their lives now.

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Or in the future.

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However, a little help goes a long way.

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If you have ever moved back into your parents home after spending time

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living somewhere else on your own as an adult, you likely know how that

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crunching of control feels, right?

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I can almost hear the thoughts in my head now.

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How dare you tell me what to do?

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I'm not a child.

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When you're living under my roof, it's my rules.

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I just had this conversation with my husband when he had that

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situation as a young adult himself.

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It wasn't pretty.

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But how do you actually start going down this road when your folks need a little

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bit more help in a gentle, empathetic way?

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Not just for them.

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But for you too,

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First have an open and honest conversation with your parents about

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the kind of help that they need, if any.

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Okay, so I know a lot of our parents are going to say, I'm

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fine, don't worry, we're good.

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You just go off and live your life and we'll be fine.

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We'll call you when we need help.

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They usually don't.

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My father in law actually told my husband that he had had a five way

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bypass a week after it happened.

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What the heck?

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Honestly, somebody should have said something.

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that's just an example.

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But it's important to understand that they need some space too.

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I get it.

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I think we all do, but if they don't think they need help, try not to behave like

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an interrogator and instead consider a conversation that might sound like this,

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Dad, I'd love to help you even though you don't want my help.

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I understand, but how can we do this so that you're not worried about me

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and I can still be of support to you and mom and I'm not worried about you?

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Maybe we could team up together, just you and I, father and daughter, or dad

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and son, to do something nice for mom.

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What do you think?

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Then create a list of some simple things that would benefit her and him

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too, perhaps in a more subtle way.

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This is just a tiny, teeny bit more gentle way to get them

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both used to accepting help.

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Kind of like a gift.

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Or,

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think of it like the old story of water dripping on the stone, which

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illustrates even how the smallest, seemingly most insignificant actions

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can have a huge impact on even the hardest surfaces of stone.

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Next, look for ways to provide that support that still allow them

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autonomy and control over their own lives as much as possible.

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And you too.

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I suggest you do this together to start.

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It could be as simple as getting someone to mow the lawn, or to

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help out with groceries in or out of the car, or whatever.

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Down south where we are now, and even up north in more family

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oriented grocery stores, baggers are always asking if you need help

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getting groceries out to the car.

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That's pretty considerate.

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Maybe it's a family store kind of thing, or just a southern way.

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However, grocery stores might actually be a significant form of social

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interaction for a lonely parent.

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So, keep this in mind if you decide you could help them by ordering

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their groceries online so that they don't have to drive to the store.

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Social interaction, even at the grocery store, can help combat a lot

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of issues, especially loneliness, which many elderly people, even our

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own parents, surprise, surprise, might be suffering from nowadays too.

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Then,

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Medication issues are a whole nother front.

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if taking medication is becoming a problem, even if they don't

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totally admit this, you can set up a simple pill reminder system.

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There are all sorts of tools online everything from a box that beeps at you

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or a notification that you get when it's been taken, which are very easy to set up.

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That system however, works better if you live close by.

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And if you're able to do so, then let mom and dad handle the day-to-day

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management of their actual pill taking instead of you sneaking in

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to make sure they actually did so.

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We all hate somebody who's spying, and if that happens, mistrust can be a

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big issue and lead to bigger problems down the road, so try not to go there.

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if you're not able to physically hands on help them with organizing their

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meds, either because of distance, Or time constraints, contact your

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local pharmacy and ask if they offer something called medication

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synchronization or medication packaging.

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there's even a system you can set up in their home that will alert you to movement

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in the house without cameras, which is very nice for them, maybe not for you.

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And it'll even tell you what cabinet doors have been opened or even if there's

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movement or extra heat in the house.

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Heat in the house, I say, because you never know when a stove

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might be left on by accident.

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I'll put a link to these tools in the episode notes.

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Besides that, if you haven't seen it already, there's a

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new AI pin called Humane.

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You can get that at humane.

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com, where mom and dad can wear a pin, kind of like the accessory

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that you see in Star Trek.

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Beam me up Scotty.

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And all you have to do is tap it, and ask to call Nancy, Bob, Sue, or Diane,

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whoever it might be, or even 911.

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I don't have one myself, but a friend does.

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And he said it took a lot of time and a lot of frustration to set it up.

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But the support system at the company is pretty good at helping you with that.

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And they admit there's a problem in instructions.

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So considering that it's new, just work with it.

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If you decide to get the PIN.

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The goal Ultimately, is to empower our parents to live as independently

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and safely as they can for as long as possible by providing the

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right resources and safety nets.

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Think of yourself as a partner in their care, not as a parent to them.

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As I've said before, time and time again, this is a pet peeve of mine, period.

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I'll likely say that again in other episodes.

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But please, just bear with me.

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Also, make sure that the lines of communication are open.

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That AI PIN can be a great help there.

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Or lower tech tools, like simple letter writing and a phone

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call to share what's happening.

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And don't be boring.

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You can ask about their day, and they can be boring.

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But try to sound excited about every little detail that they share.

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The meal, the TV show they watched, the books they read, the pesky

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solicitors who keep knocking on the door, or some angry political outburst.

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It's alright.

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It's mom and dad.

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You're going to love them anyway.

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Or at least I hope so.

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Their days may not be filled with as much excitement as yours.

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But listening to these little details in your conversations or even notes

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that you send back and forth can be the window into subtle changes that

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might be taking place and a soft, gentle change in how you support them.

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If you're close by, and even if you're not, don't forget to plan

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regular visits and entertaining activities and check ins and ask.

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How things are going or just what they might want to do to make their day better.

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Quite frankly, most people will not know what to do to make their day better or

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simply just say, Oh, don't worry about me.

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I'm fine.

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I'm fine.

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You just have a good time.

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You know, one of my favorite tools while visiting mom and dad was Groupon.

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Gosh, we had some fun.

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There are crazy things that you can do on Groupon that are

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safe for elderly frail people.

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and one of them actually included a three hour cruise, kind of like

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Gilligan's Island, without the crash.

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Mom and Dad loved cruising, but at a certain point in their lives, frailty

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kind of got the better part of them.

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And I hated to see Dad really wanting to go on a cruise again and plan.

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He loved that planning part.

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so what we did on Groupon was to rent one of those small little

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charter, yachts in quotes.

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It was big enough to have all of our aides and their family members join us too.

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We had a big picnic and we cruised the Tampa Harbor.

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After three hours, mom and dad were exhausted and everybody had a great

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time and it was a bit of a gift for our aides and their family too.

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I have to say a cruise of two or three or even four days would have been too

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much for mom and dad and it would have been too much for me to make sure that

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they were safe and maybe even an aide that I would have brought along too.

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Safety would have been the key there.

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And I know I thought about it, but I was also concerned about, man overboard,

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Throw out the life rafts!

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I'm glad I didn't have to worry about that one.

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Speaking of communications, make sure you get to know mom and dad's friends and

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neighbors, even if they don't know them.

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Chances are, if they live in a neighborhood, everybody knows who

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somebody else is, and the gossip, hopefully not, may go back and forth.

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But just asking somebody to knock on the door and make sure they're

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okay or sending over some flowers.

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Okay.

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So if you have to pay the neighbors to bring flowers over to make

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sure that mom and dad are okay.

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But you can do that.

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Sometimes they don't need to know every little detail, just as long

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as you know that they're safe.

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And speaking of strangers, sadly, I want to bring this point forward again.

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We've talked about it in a previous podcast about scams, predominantly love

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scams, but targets of these scammers are either young people in their

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20s, big part of them, or over 60.

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the average victim will lose $33,915.

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Now, that's reported.

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Imagine how much more is gone for those that are too embarrassed to even mention

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anything to a local police department or an FBI agent, speaking of FBI agents,

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who would even know how to contact them if you're a local person, right?

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In any case, the whole scam issue is not something to be taken lightly.

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But it is something to keep an eye out for, and an explanation to

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them is always helpful, of course.

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I mention this because all too often our levels of trust escalate as we age.

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That's just in general.

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That's just our human nature, and it's a lovely one at that, but it can also,

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but it can also be a dangerous one.

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I mentioned this because too often our levels of trust escalate.

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I mean, as we age, This is generally true for most people.

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We tend to want to trust people more frequently as we get older.

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We've had lots of experience, so we kind of know what's best, right?

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it's actually a lovely thing, yet can also result in physical,

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emotional, and financial damage.

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this includes financial advisors who might be more interested in their wallet

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than your parents, aides who can create a different, more intimate level of trust in

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their home, Medicare sales representatives who ask for personal information and try

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to switch them to better plans, I've heard that too many times, just be careful, I'm

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just giving you a little tip out there, and even care facility managers, yes,

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they bring in independent marketers who get paid on performance, aka move ins.

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Oh, and don't forget tech scams.

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You know, more of our parents are involved in technology, and that's a good thing.

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However, asking for help and constantly coming back to you for,

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how do you turn this thing on?

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Or, I can't get into my email again, can be something that

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they could be embarrassed about.

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So, calling tech support can be a way for them to get what they need

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quickly without bothering you.

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I'll have to admit.

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I accidentally fell victim to one of these years ago, but luckily

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caught it and there were no issues.

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And that's for another episode.

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One of the last scams I'm going to mention here today is really charity scams.

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Now what does a charity have to do with scams?

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Well, you might be surprised and it's not necessarily intentional.

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I would say it's more likely getting the better side of the good side of people.

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Here's one example of an older friend who always had a good heart, and his

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widow realized exactly how much money was going out the door after he passed.

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As she started to go through old files and mail that he meticulously organized, She

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saw how he documented 25 to this charity, 25 to that charity, and the list went on.

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Cancelled checks started adding up, and she's like, what the heck is going on?

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As it turned out, with every 25 check that he sent out, within a week or

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two or three, from the same charity, another request would come in.

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A little forgetful, he'd send another 25 check out.

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Soon, those 25 checks added up to thousands and thousands of dollars

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over the weeks, months and years.

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Youch.

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How to go broke 25 at a time.

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Maybe that's another podcast episode we should think about.

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So I did move slightly, a little bit, to the side.

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on how to get parents to accept help.

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Or have I?

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All of these great stories and bits of information are things

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you can share over the course of conversations with your parents in

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efforts to help them understand

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that the world has gotten a little bit more sneaky.

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Not always sinisterly, but hopefully.

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if you share these stories in a gentle way, it can help them think a bit more

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deeply and say, yep, I could use a little bit more help with mowing the

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lawn or pulling the weeds or just making sure the flowers look fresh outside.

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When that starts to happen, you'll be heading down the right path.

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please remember, work to avoid nagging, constant nagging, or even a little

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bit of nagging about their health or trying to take over their lives.

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There's still adults in our parents who deserve respect and autonomy.

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As much as possible.

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Ultimately supporting our aging parents is about balance.

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being there for them when needed while protecting their dignity and

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your own time and privacy as well.

Nancy May: 00:20:43

With empathy and open communication and creative problem solving, you

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can find an approach that works for the whole family, yours and theirs.

Nancy May: 00:20:51

After all, has their nagging ever gotten you to do anything

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that you didn't want to do?

Nancy May: 00:20:58

On that note, thank you for joining me here today.

Nancy May: 00:21:01

Be sure to subscribe to future episodes of Eldercare Success

Nancy May: 00:21:05

and listen to past episodes.

Nancy May: 00:21:06

You can do so by going to EldercareSuccess(dot)live.

Nancy May: 00:21:10

You now also have access to hundreds of tips, tools, and resources through

Nancy May: 00:21:14

this podcast and real stories to better help you navigate the challenges and

Nancy May: 00:21:18

new ways to find more joy and caring for your mom and dad and other loved ones.

Nancy May: 00:21:23

Remember don't forget to care about yourself too.

Nancy May: 00:21:27

Also please remember that the one number we should all learn to

Nancy May: 00:21:30

use and dial when needed is 911.

Nancy May: 00:21:34

There are more things that can trip you up literally and figuratively

Nancy May: 00:21:38

when you have to call for help in a critical care situation.

Nancy May: 00:21:41

For that reason, please run.

Nancy May: 00:21:43

Don't walk over to Amazon and get the book, How To Survive 9 1 1 Medical

Nancy May: 00:21:47

Emergencies, A Step-By-Step Guide.

Nancy May: 00:21:50

You'll learn how not to sign certain things in the ER and why you shouldn't,

Nancy May: 00:21:55

how to get better help in the hospital, how to get discharged faster, how

Nancy May: 00:21:59

to deal with rehab facilities so that you don't go broke or at home.

Nancy May: 00:22:03

And even how to dial 9 1 1 when the 9 1 1 system is down.

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And yes, it does go down.

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And, in that case, you do not want to find yourself at a

Nancy May: 00:22:12

loss or mom and dad at a loss.

Nancy May: 00:22:15

Finally, if you have a question or simply like to share an opinion

Nancy May: 00:22:19

about the show or a specific episode, or even want to recommend a guest,

Nancy May: 00:22:23

go to EldercareSuccess(dot)Live.

Nancy May: 00:22:25

There's a small blue tab on the right hand side of the screen that when you

Nancy May: 00:22:29

click it will come to a pop up page and there you can leave a voicemail message

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or a written note or comment or question.

Nancy May: 00:22:36

If you do that, I'll share your questions and opinions on future episodes.

Nancy May: 00:22:41

With that, until next time, this is Nancy May at Doing it

Nancy May: 00:22:45

Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May: 00:22:47

Why would you want to do it any other way?

Nancy May: 00:22:50

Be well, stay strong, and keep caring.

Nancy May: 00:22:53

Bye bye.