Nancy May: 00:00:02

Hello, everybody.

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It's Nancy May and Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

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And I want to share that we're going to be moving in a few months and I'm packing

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and getting a lot of things in order.

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The challenges I'm packing up literally three households, our own from

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Connecticut, this stuff that we've created and collected here in Florida,

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my parents, what's been left behind that hasn't been distributed to myself or

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others, And the things that I purchased for our new home, like lighting fixtures

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and storage containers and all that stuff that you need to get for a house,

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especially when you want to make it yours.

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Oh, and don't forget my own office, podcast equipment, technical equipment

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and everything else that's piled up.

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It's a lot and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed here.

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The good news is that we'll have a lovely new home.

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The bad news is, I'm a pack rat, like my dad.

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I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, is a true statement.

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At least in our household.

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he hated to get rid of things that he thought might be important.

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in fact, to make sure everything was in order just before he

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passed the way he wanted me to, I went through all his drawers.

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Now, there weren't a lot of files that he had, but, well, maybe there were a lot.

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There were about three or four drawers of things that he had collected to

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make sure that everything was in order and tidy to make my life easier

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as the POA and head of household.

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Well, not quite head of household because he was still with us.

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In any case, materials had just sort of multiplied.

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The one piece of paper with a couple of notes on it turned into

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Duplicates, triplicates, quadruplets, whatever you want to call it.

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And that was Dad.

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He wanted to make sure that everything was there and not lost.

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Dad also hated to toss things.

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I get that feeling, although sometimes it really feels good just to get

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rid of stuff because if it's not there, I probably won't need it.

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but in my dad's fashion, he would pack things up instead of

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tossing them and mail them to me.

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Out of sight, out of mind, he thought they were in good hands.

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Well that was fine and well and good until we moved from Connecticut to Florida.

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Wow.

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Getting rid of that stuff?

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Well, I have to tell you, I packed it and moved it back down to Florida.

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Oof!

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You might think I'm nuts, but now I'm going through some of that stuff.

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Some is being tossed and some is being saved.

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In the later years, my mom wasn't much better.

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One year, she insisted that we drive down to pick up things that were important.

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There was too much to ship, and it was far too expensive to do so.

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So, Bob and I packed up the dogs in a station wagon that we had

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bought from his dad before he moved.

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And off we went, all four of us, two dogs, Bob and me, and a station wagon.

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An empty one at that.

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Just to make sure we had enough room for everything that they needed to get rid of.

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after arriving, we learned the only things that mom and dad had for us

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were two relatively small boxes of old, glass, antique, tintype photo plates,

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and a few other tiny little things.

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Well, I guess I should have known something was off with mom then.

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But she seemed pretty normal other than that.

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And we had a boatload of fun together.

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She also insisted on going through all their things, labeling with

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sticky notes what went to me, what went to my sister, and what other

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things she'd want distributed later on when she couldn't do so herself.

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Going through those labels was tedious, exhausting, and sometimes just repetitive.

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I also got kind of exacerbated thinking, why are we doing this now?

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But I'm glad she did.

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With each label, we had a laugh, a story, and a share.

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Things of grandmas, things of great grandmas, things of her dads,

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stories that came up that they used to do when they were kids.

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And my dad watched happily to make sure that everything was in order.

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That was his job.

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To make sure he managed and oversaw things.

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And we had fun.

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Related to all of this, here's a little tip I want to share.

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Before things get really wonky, have a serious discussion with your siblings

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about what's important to them.

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I mean, family belongings, not just the love of mom and dad,

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because that's going to stay.

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However, belongings can get very personal and temperaments and anger

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and sibling rivalry will break out whether you want it or not.

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Unfortunately,

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knowing what's important to them.

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And knowing sometimes when to just give in and say it's not that important

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to me are keys to really keeping things better and tighter between

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the two of you, even if you're not that close after mom and dad pass.

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as you're going over things with mom and dad, sticky notes and all,

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take some time to discuss with them.

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What might happen if there are hard feelings between you and

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siblings, or if squabbles break out.

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I did this with my mom and my dad, both letting them know exactly what I

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thought might happen and how we can work together to resolve that before it does.

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It did work out pretty well.

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In the end, there wasn't really anything to worry about, but

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just talking it out in a way.

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What if, or scenario planning kind of style, helped me deal with the

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situation before there even was one.

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And luckily, there wasn't.

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Mom,

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wisdom, decided that she would make sure that my sister understood that

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I was the one they put in charge.

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And why?

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Without me knowing, she had written a note to my sister and put it in

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a sealed envelope that said, To be opened by Cindy upon my demise.

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Alright, I did find that before Mom passed and thought, Oh my God, I am SOL.

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What the hell did Mom say?

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I don't know whether she said anything or wrote anything down before she got

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a little wonky, or maybe afterwards.

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I just held my breath when that time came.

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thankfully she explained in a fully conscious manner that she loved us both

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and that she wanted to know that I, her older sister, would have her best

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interest at heart, which is of course true, and to please trust me with all

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the things that they had asked me to do.

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We had gone over these things for years, and as much as they might have been

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difficult for me then, it was even more difficult for me to make sure that I kept

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my emotions intact after they had gone.

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Following their wishes was the easy part.

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Keeping my head and my heart in my chest was the hardest part of all.

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One of the things that mom had asked me to do was to keep two watches.

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One was a great grandmother's and one was our grandmother's.

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They were beautiful, antique, sort of Victorian kind of watches,

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with little diamonds and a wristband that was kind of broken.

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My great grandmothers was to go to my sister, and grandmas was to go to me.

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Both were not in great working order.

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So, upon mom and dad's demise, I made sure both of them were beautifully

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restored and well taken care of.

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I even asked my sister to measure her wrist to make sure that great

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grandma's watch as tiny and teeny and frail as it was, would fit

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her wrist beautifully, and it did.

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There were other things that mom and dad had designated to us, including

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a list of a few things that changed.

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With their minds and attitudes later on.

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And that's okay.

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They have the right to change their minds at any time in their life.

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Those things were taken care of based on their wishes as well.

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It made cleaning out most of the household just a little bit easier on me.

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Because my sister was several states away.

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Getting rid of Mom and Dad's things after they're gone is going to be hard.

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Although I have to admit, clothing was the easiest.

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There are a few things that I still have, like a shirt of

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Mom's that I wear on occasion.

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It's getting a little threadbare now, but every time I put it on,

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I look at myself in the mirror and say, Ooh, I look like Mom.

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You know what?

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That's a good thing.

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and there's even a bottle jacket of Dad's that I got him.

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I still wear it when it gets cold in the AC here, and I love that one too.

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But some people actually make quilts out of the clothing

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of relatives who had passed.

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I think that's a little creepy.

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But I digress.

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Back to Pack Rat Dad.

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Right now, I'm going through old papers that I just didn't want to go through

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at the time that they had passed.

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And I thought, oh my dear, I'll just do this later.

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And I kept putting it off and off and off.

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There were a number of documents in the list that Dad had

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started and never finished.

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I love still just reading through his notes and what he was saying,

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just in case that time ever came.

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Let me share one that I just came across.

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It's dated from 2013.

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And typed in Dad's style.

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Which was one finger at a time.

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His handwriting was never that great.

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Even as a kid in camp, Dad would send off notes.

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And I loved getting those.

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But his handwriting was so rough or scrawly, that my entire cabin would

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get together and we'd have a game to figure out what was Dad really saying.

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and always apologize at the end, saying, Rushing off, I hope you're

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doing well, love you lots, and by the way, I hope you can read this.

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Well, not too well.

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But our entire cabin made sure that we all figured out one word, one letter,

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one page at a time, what my dad was sending me, and they all relished

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in receiving those notes as well,

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Because their parents didn't send as many notes as mine did.

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Thank you, Mom.

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Thank you, Dad.

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I love you for that and many other things as well.

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But let me show you what he had started.

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This one is dated January 14, 2013.

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Hi, Nance.

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I know I promised you a resume of moms and my lifestyle since you're

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the family delegate, quote unquote.

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I don't know what the exact title is, he noted.

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Just in case something happens to us.

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I really don't know where to start.

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However, he starts writing Audrey and Stuart May, their address, their phone

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number, their email address, it was always snail mail dad and email mom,

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mom's age, dad's age, and date of births.

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He also included social security numbers.

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Then he notes, I'll get to mom's later.

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We own our house completely, no mortgage, etc.

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He went over the details of that.

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Includes health.

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Mom's in pretty good shape.

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Mom has a cancerous growth on her tongue.

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And has had breast cancer, which was removed on her right breast.

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She does not exercise.

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I keep after her on that.

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He included her weight.

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He included his weight and how they maintain it and how they felt.

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You know, I have to laugh because dad was always after mom for not

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exercising or standing up straight, but she was always in pretty good shape.

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He also noted that they weren't currently active in any organization

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at the time, although I know my dad was pretty active in SCORE and the

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Chamber, because I have his awards from those days too, and he also

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noted that they were planning travels.

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He also explained they had been to 25 or 30 countries and how much they loved that.

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In addition, other information that I should know, where they were moving, where

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the bank branch was, how much they had in each account, and the list went on,

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including the name of the attorney that handled their wills, the accountant that

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they dealt with, the financial advisor.

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Who was a dirtball and I fired.

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And that I think we've covered in some episodes in the past, but we'll

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talk about that again later too.

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And then finally he notes, I know this is very clumsy, but contains

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important data for you and Cindy.

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Sorry for the mess.

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In dad fashion, he always said it, even if it was typewritten.

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Then he said, please make some extra copies for safekeeping.

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Thank you, background dad.

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He signs it.

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Lots of love, Dad.

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P.

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S.

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Mom hasn't seen this.

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She'd shoot me.

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I know this for the scribble.

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Although it wasn't scribble.

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It was typed.

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I'm trying to figure out our income tax now.

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What a mess.

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No luck on the house yet because they were trying to sell it.

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Say hi to Bob.

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And that was Dad's note.

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It was short, sweet, got to the details of what I needed to, and he actually

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included the scribbled out notes as a backup after he had typed it, to

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make sure that I had a copy of both.

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If you hear these papers rustling, those are both the

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scribbled copy and the typed copy.

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Gotta love him, and I still do.

Nancy May: 00:13:25

I love that my Dad did this.

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It was a peace of mind for him, and it gave me some sense of reassurance that

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I'd be able to handle things for him.

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When he couldn't.

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That said, I have to tell you, there is nothing that will prepare you 100

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percent for taking over this role of being the durable power of attorney,

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medical power of attorney, whatever your responsibility is in making

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sure that your parents last days and last wishes are followed out to a T.

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Well, as best you can.

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There is always going to be something that you don't do perfectly.

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Please do not worry about that.

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The only thing you need to worry about and be assured of is that you're doing

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your best and staying strong for them, for you, and for the rest of your family.

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My dad was a worrier in a silent kind of way, but always made sure

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that we never knew he worried.

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I kind of knew this towards the end.

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This was his way of caring for Mom and the rest of us, which I greatly appreciate.

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In the end, one of the best gifts our parents can give us is a list

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of where everything is, even if they don't know where everything is.

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Just a hint would help, at the very least.

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Ask them in a gentle way Even in a storytelling kind of way.

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How and where they want their possessions distributed.

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Even if those things don't go to you, it's okay.

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Understanding the stories and the reason why will give you peace of mind.

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It will also give them peace of mind.

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And, sometimes there are a few things that they just won't have

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control over after they're gone.

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That's okay.

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They have put their trust in you, and I know, and they know, you will do the

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best you can with what you have, so that you can do well for yourself, too.

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If you are having a tough time getting your folks to even start this process,

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please Consider having a family history conversation on your next visit with them.

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Go through family treasures, ask about stories behind them, and

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slowly ease into the conversation.

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Gee mom, have you ever thought, who might really want this when you're done?

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And why?

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Create stories of how you would use them or not if you're not interested,

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how your sister or your brother might enjoy them, or even their grandkids.

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It's the little things that count.

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and more important, it's the memories that you hold dear in

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your heart and in your head.

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Sometimes those get a little tough, because they never seem

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to slip out when you need them.

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and what you don't want is those memories to be tough and difficult,

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where there's a sense of remorse.

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kindness is what you're going to need the most here during the conversation

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with mom and dad and with yourself.

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If suspicious feelings start creeping in with them, which could very

Nancy May: 00:16:24

well be because you don't know what kind of state of mind they're in.

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Even if they're emotionally and physically strong, we all tend to overthink things.

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Back off or just be quiet and listen and let them have their rant.

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At the very least, you'll have a sense of understanding about their feelings

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and why they might be feeling that way.

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Finally, when they're gone, clearing out those old things and seeing their

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handwriting or even type written note, I can pretty much guarantee, will

Nancy May: 00:16:57

sometimes hurt your heart but will also make you feel pretty good and maybe

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smile again and just think, where would I be without dad typing that note, to

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make sure I could read his handwriting.

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Dad, if you're listening, thanks, I love you and I miss you dearly, but thank

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you for helping me to get through this well before you even left this earth.

Nancy May: 00:17:21

I know you did your best and I did my best too.

Nancy May: 00:17:26

That's it for another episode of Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May: 00:17:30

Before we go, would you do me a couple of favors?

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The first is, send me a note at EldercareSuccess.

Nancy May: 00:17:36

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Nancy May: 00:17:37

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Nancy May: 00:17:41

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Nancy May: 00:17:41

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Nancy May: 00:17:52

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Nancy May: 00:17:54

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Nancy May: 00:17:56

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Nancy May: 00:17:59

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Nancy May: 00:18:02

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Nancy May: 00:18:06

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Nancy May: 00:18:11

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Nancy May: 00:18:15

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Nancy May: 00:18:34

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Nancy May: 00:18:39

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Nancy May: 00:18:42

With that, I hope you'll join me on future episodes of the Eldercare Success

Nancy May: 00:18:46

or Doing it Best With Eldercare Success.

Nancy May: 00:18:49

This is Nancy May, your host.

Nancy May: 00:18:51

Be well, stay well, and keep caring.

Nancy May: 00:18:54

Love to you all.

Nancy May: 00:18:55

Bye bye.