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Nancy May, Eldercare Success: Hospice round three.

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Or should I say two and a half?

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I slept with mom.

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Right to the very end.

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What happened next?

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This is Nancy May, and yes, hospice is a difficult time for all of us.

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And as I said earlier, I'd been through this, well, at least

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one and a half times before.

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Mom was a little different than Dad, because we always talked, well, maybe

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not always talked, But throughout the course of life, Mom did talk

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about what her final wishes would be.

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And those were If I get to be a vegetable, shoot me.

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Okay, at one point I did try and shoot a pumpkin off a stump in the backfield

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But I think that's a different story

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In any case, those of you who have not gone through hospice, please

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understand that every experience with a parent or loved one will

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be different, slightly or extreme.

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mom's cases, was quite different than dad's.

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Mom had signs of dementia,

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Moderate dementia, I would say, not severe.

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She always knew who I was and always smiled.

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And I could hear the smile in her voice.

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every time I called.

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Love you, Mom.

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Love you, too.

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Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

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We'd always say at the end of a call.

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I had been down to Florida to visit the week before for her birthday.

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It was her 91st.

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We all had a blast.

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Mom, the aides, their families, babies, everybody was involved.

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And, I have pictures to prove that as well.

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my sister was going to come down the week after, as it was her

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birthday the day after Mom's.

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And she wanted time with her family.

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I can't blame her for that.

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The following week was Thanksgiving.

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Mom had been just a little bit more tired and listless than normal.

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and Millie, my lead aide, kept me on top of everything

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that was going on, as always.

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The day before Thanksgiving, Mom seemed to be a little bit more out of it.

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And she called the doctor.

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The doctor said, Oh, I'm sure she's just fine.

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Just give her a shower and she'll perk up.

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Well, that did not happen.

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Thanksgiving day rolled along and she was totally listless.

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Limp, I'd almost say.

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Millie called me and said, In the morning, I'd like to take

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your mom to the emergency room.

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Is that okay with you?

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her daughter, nurse Sarah, had been in that afternoon to check on mom and

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said That was probably a good idea.

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I always trusted Millie's judgment implicitly because she was

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hands-on and I was 1200 miles away.

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So, my response was, of course, please take her in and

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let me know what's going on.

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She did.

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Early the next morning, Millie called 911 because Mom was not getting any better.

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In fact, she was getting worse.

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As she arrived at the hospital, they realized that something was

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definitely off, although they couldn't pinpoint what it was.

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After a full exam and a CAT scan, they realized that mom had a

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slow bleed going on in her brain.

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Shortly thereafter, and thankfully while in the ER with Millie at her

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side, and a nurse right there as well, Mom had a full brain aneurysm.

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By this point, Millie was in total hysterics.

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And the nurse said, you've got to call her daughter immediately

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and tell her what's going on.

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the attachment that mom and dad and Millie had were pretty strong.

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I'd say she's as close to family as you can get without sharing DNA.

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Using her phone, the nurse called me and explained exactly what was going

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on and that they were planning to medevac mom out for a brain surgery.

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Absolutely not.

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Not quite knowing what to do, other than to say, I'll be down there immediately.

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The nurse said, I don't think she's going to make the hour.

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Oof, what do you do?

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well, I held my breath, closed my eyes, said a little prayer, and said, Mom,

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hang on, I'll be there as soon as I can.

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I kept in touch with Millie throughout that day to see what was going on.

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Mom was hanging on And waiting for us, I'm pretty sure.

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Since it was too late to get to the hospital, my sister and I

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arrived first thing in the morning.

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The ER doctor came into mom's room gave us a consult of what was going on.

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and then to my surprise, yelled at my lead aid, Millie, and said, this

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is what happens when you take your patients off blood pressure meds.

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Without missing a beat, Millie explained that this was not the case, that her

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doctor, her primary care doctor, who was a colleague of this one who came

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in to tell us what was happening, had taken her off those pills.

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the look on his face was startling and he immediately shut up.

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At that point, my sister and I entered her room.

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My mom looked ashen.

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Really, I mean, gray.

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I have never been able to describe it any other way.

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and her face just seems kind of slumped.

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Heartbroken, as you can imagine, but knowing where we were at this

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point in time, I held her hand and said, Hey Mom, it's Nance.

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She opened her eyes, smiled, and closed them again.

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Then my sister, tears in her eyes, barely able to get the words

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out, said, Hey Mom, it's Cynd.

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She opened her eyes, smiled, and closed them.

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those were the last two times we saw her mom open her eyes.

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Within minutes, we made the decision to yes, accept hospice care.

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And mom came home.

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Home to her house, and her bed, and to us.

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Not knowing how long this process would take, but we

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knew we were on our final days.

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Mom lasted for ten excruciating days.

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No water, no food, no noise, nothing.

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She just lay there in bed.

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but our two remaining aides, Millie and Iris, my sister and

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I, Stayed vigil at her side.

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We laughed, we cried, we sang songs, We held each other's hands,

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we held each other's hearts.

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And yes, every single night, I slept next to Mom, or one of us slept next to Mom.

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And throughout the night, and when I was there, I'd hold her

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hand and say, Hey Mom, it's Nance.

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Surprisingly, I'd always get this Gentle little squeeze.

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I never wanted mom to know that she was alone.

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That gentle squeeze back and forth.

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We always had that signal, even as kids.

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throughout those ten days, Millie, Iris, my sister and I,

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also took care of each other.

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I prepared some of the best recipes that mom ever had for me and for my sister.

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Mom's special chicken.

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Birthday chicken, I called it.

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Millie shared her family recipes and so did Iris And my

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sister had a few of her own.

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And each evening was comfort food, heart food.

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I'd say maybe not in the medical term or the nutritional term, but with a

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couple of glasses of wine as well.

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We did well

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the final night before mom passed, of course, we didn't really

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know when that was gonna be.

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The four of us were sitting on each side of mom's bed.

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Laughing, talking, girl talk, you know, revealing those secrets that

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we don't want our parents to know about and sharing them with mom.

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Stories that Millie went through, Iris went through, the silly things that

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we do as young children or as young women in the course of our lives.

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I shared things that happened to me with mom and dad that my sister didn't

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know about and she shared things with me, although I knew most of them.

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I am the older sister after all.

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At about midnight, as we were sort of winding down on our stories and getting

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a little sleepy and tired, a cold breeze came through the room between Millie and

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Iris and my sister and I and over Mom.

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it felt like ice had just come by.

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Iris, superstitious as she always was, said, did you feel that?

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Matter of fact, we did.

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We thought, hmm, that's strange.

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Millie said, that's dad.

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He's the one who's come to tell her it's time to come home.

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Throughout those 10 days, we did everything to share with Mom.

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Our love for her, our stories for her, songs of her dear brother Ken, who sang

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throughout Europe in opera, and even won the Arthur Godfrey Talent Contest.

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I found that recording too.

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We shared that with her.

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songs that we sang together, songs that we remember as kids, and songs

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that I found out were her favorite.

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One, which is my favorite too, was Willie Nelson's Don't Fence Me In.

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Millie shared with me that night.

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You know, your mom says that's her favorite song.

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Really?

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That's mine.

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That and Beer For My Horses and Whiskey For My Men.

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I think mom would like that one too.

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That night, I slept next to Mom, Dad's bed right up against the side, my hand holding

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hers and just keeping an eye on her.

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Waking up at about 5 o'clock, I saw that her breathing was slow and labored.

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I said, Mom, I'm here.

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She squeezed my hand, just ever so gently.

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It was time for me to get her meds, although I was not the best at doing that.

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So I got up, went down the hall, tried to wake up my sister.

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Who was incredibly difficult to wake.

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My sister Cindy, she can sleepwalk with her eyes open and swear that she's awake.

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and then tell you later on, why didn't you wake me?

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Okay, well I wasn't going to get very far with that.

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Millie heard me up and she ran bolting.

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to make sure that she was okay, to give her her meds and anything

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else that needed to be done.

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She came out sobbing.

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And she said, Nance, she's gone.

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Not quite knowing what to do other than to wake Cindy and

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let her know what had happened.

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I realized that night, that yes, that cold breeze was Dad that came by to hold her

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hand, and, well, in a metaphorical kind of way, and bring her back to his side.

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Mom's face looked ashen and gray, and her nose sort of slumped to the side.

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Millie and Iris, as they had done with Dad, said,

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Please.

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Give us the privilege to make sure that Audrey is wrapped in her favorite robe,

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with the right pictures in her pocket.

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Myself, my sister, and my other sister, Tracy, who was waiting

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for her on the other side.

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They did that.

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and as the funeral home was called, to take Mom away, they bundled her

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up, put her on the gurney, and said, please take your time with your mom.

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We can see by the photos all around the house how much she's loved

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and how much she loves you too.

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We've never quite seen photos like this in a family.

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I have to tell you, we had posters that were three feet by five feet

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and all over the place from dad's celebration of life on through.

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And I think we had more family pictures on our walls than wallpaper probably.

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But they were the story of their lives, mom and dad's life, and ours too.

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Not just my sister and myself, but every single one that helped them and was

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there with them right to the very end.

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We did.

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As we went into the room with mom and saw her tucked in, Just

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like a little doll on the gurney.

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I looked at her and said, Millie, Cindy, Iris, look.

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And they looked at her and I said, she's beautiful.

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I had never seen such an amazing transformation of anybody alive.

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And I haven't seen too many who've been gone and passed either.

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But this one was amazing.

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Mom looked peaceful and serene.

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there was color in her cheeks, like she was wearing makeup,

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and her lips were rosy red.

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Even, I would say, a gentle smile.

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I have a funny feeling that she was seeing Dad And letting us

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know that everything would be okay.

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Unlike Dad, we did not celebrate with a scotch, but we did

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celebrate a different way.

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It was noon by the time she was gone and I told my sister, you know what?

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Mom would want us to go do something special in her memory.

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Let's go have lunch.

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So we did.

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We celebrated, we had lunch, we laughed, we went to a winery.

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We drove all around the county and more and back and came back home probably

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around six or seven o'clock at night.

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exhausted, each of us sat on mom and dad's lifty chairs, I call

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them, wanting to see a movie that just kind of reminded us of them.

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And we did.

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Although, my sister got up and went to bed and she said, I grabbed

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your foot, I shook your toe, I even pinched you and you didn't move.

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I woke up the next morning in that same place, in that chair, feeling

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a little relieved and well rested.

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Hospice is different for every single one of us.

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My friend Gurney, who shared his stories of what his wife looked like

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during this time, Was very different than what we saw with Dad and with Mom.

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I have a funny feeling that both of them are watching down on me

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and my sister, And all are aides.

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The good ones.

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Well, they were all pretty good in general.

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The rest that weren't, we got rid of fast.

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Stories of mom and dad and their care continue as they do here in

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this Eldercare Success podcast.

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I hope that this has been of help to you.

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please understand that hospice is something you do not have

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to choose to go through.

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Sometimes we don't have that choice and a passing of somebody happens suddenly where

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we don't have the luxury of doing so.

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Besides what I said two episodes ago, hospice really is a good

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organization and they have great people.

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Understand that you have the right to choose your team if the ones that are

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working with you are not the ones that make you feel comfortable and help you

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with the decisions that you need to make throughout this time and process.

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Some people take longer than others, But understand that hospice is here

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to make sure that their final days here with you and as who they are,

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are intended to make their final days as comfortable as possible.

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Losing a loved one is never easy.

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And I have to say, every piece of paper that I've touched for

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probably the last two to three years afterwards, I still think of Mom and

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wonder, Geez, I just feel like I've got one more paper cut sometimes.

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And, can she hear me?

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I hope so.

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On that note, I hope that your experience with hospice and taking care of a

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loved one right to those final days are as easy as they possibly can be.

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Well, maybe easy is not the right word, but probably the best term is to say

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as gentle as they possibly can be.

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This is Nancy May from Eldercare Success.

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As I always like to say at the end of every episode, if you like this show, and

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maybe that's not the right term for this particular episode or the last two, but

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If you see somebody who's distressed or anxious, please ask them if they're okay.

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They may be a caregiver, too.

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You can share this link, EldercareSuccess.

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live, with them.

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Because it's my gift to you, and it can be your gift to them.

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Take care, be well, and keep caring.

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Bye bye.