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Nancy May, Eldercare Success: Hospice, A Personal Experience With Dad,

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Hospice, My First Experience.

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My first experience with hospice was listening to a conversation that my

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mom and her dearest best friend, Carol Kocka, were having in Carol's kitchen.

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You see, Carol's daughter, Leanne was in the final stages of her

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own life dealing with cancer.

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Leanne could barely keep her head up with a soft neck brace.

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yet insisted on feeding the three of us lunch, Carol, Mom, and me.

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after Leanne's passing.

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Hospice was never mentioned again until Carol herself had passed.

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Sadly, only a few years later, in battling pancreatic cancer.

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My next personal experience with hospice was when the subject was forced on me.

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I know, force is probably a word that we don't want to even hear about with

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hospice, but unfortunately, it often is.

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You see, we had fought as hard as we could with dad, right

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up to 99 years and 37 days.

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There was nothing more that the doctors could do to keep him here with us and mom.

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A call from the emergency room with our lead aid and the ER

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nurse told me that Dad and I.

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We're now backed into a corner and had no place to go.

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I know that some people say you should never wait this long to make an important

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decision with regards to hospice.

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But honestly, I believe that's a very personal decision.

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And it truly depends upon the wishes of your parent and loved

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one and how they want to live their life right to the very end.

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Dad's wishes were to fight And we did.

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with this first hospice decision in my life, decisions had to

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be made from 1, 200 miles away.

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Papers were faxed for my signature and approval and discharge orders

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on where he's supposed to go.

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in our case, home with mom, so they could be at each other's side.

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Through this long, 60 minute process and conversation.

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My breath was slowly being squeezed from my own body and lungs.

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With emotionally hard decisions, Fast flight ticket purchases,

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And a call to my sister.

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Finally arriving the next day in Tampa International Airport, the

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drive from the rental car parking lot, 40 minutes north to mom and

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dad's side, felt like it took days.

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Parking the car in the garage, and walking in the door, and

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getting to the foot of dad's bed.

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Millie, our lead aide at dad's bedside, he took one look at me

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and said, with surprise, Tracie?,

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My reply was, No, Dad, it's Nance.

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I wish I had known better then, as I might have said, Yes, Dad, it is Tracie.

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You see, Tracy was my younger sister who passed away at three

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and a half, of childhood leukemia.

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I hope that this was a sign that Dad was being welcomed into a new world

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by my sister who loved him dearly, too, and would be taking over his

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care and new life from this time on.

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My lead aide, Millie, assured me that this was the case.

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our hospice team for dad was kind, professional, and direct in how

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they helped us understand how these final days would be for dad.

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our emotions, and how we deal with those were things we'd

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have to figure out ourselves.

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Honestly, I appreciated every single one of our team members, from Chaplain

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Scott all the way to Nurse Catherine.

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They were the warriors and guides for us at this time of life.

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Within minutes before Dad's final passing, one of our hospice

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team members just happened to be with us on a scheduled call.

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to this day, I am thankful that she was there at our side for our aides,

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for my sister, and yes, for myself.

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You see, I had been out making sure that funeral arrangements were in

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place, excruciating as that was.

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I know that Dad always wanted to make sure that the T's were

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crossed and the I's were dotted.

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so when this time came, that I would be able to take care of myself, and

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yes, everybody else, and not have to worry about anything on my way

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home, I got a call from my sister.

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Hurry, hurry!, please, come now, come now.

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She didn't even have to tell me what was going on, I knew.

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But Dad hung on until I walked into his room.

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The exact time, 3.

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20pm, on Patriots Day.

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Dad couldn't have selected a better day as he was Mr.

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Red, White, and Blue to the core.

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he took his final breath as I reached his feet.

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After we knew what had happened, my aides asked, if they could be

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the one to wash and dress Dad.

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And with respect, I said yes.

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They dressed Dad in his Dartmouth football jersey, a gift from the current

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Dartmouth team football coach, Buddy Teevens, and his favorite fuzzy bottle

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jacket, shorts and crazy socks, a gift that I had given to him a year earlier.

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And a photo of mom, his three daughters, and a cloth hanky in his pocket.

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Dad was physically ready to leave us.

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During this time, I had the opportunity to talk with two funeral directors

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who were there to help take dad off.

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I had gotten to know who these men were.

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One a former Navy fellow,, the other a former firefighter who

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had moved down to Florida from Massachusetts, And had not lived far

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from where mom and dad had come from.

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getting to know these men made me feel better in knowing that dad was

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in the best care and best hands.

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draped in an American flag.

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dad's look on his face was calm and serene.

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And I insisted that he not be fully covered until taken out the front door.

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Which is the law, unfortunately, in Florida.

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I'm pretty sure it is elsewhere.

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I choked up even thinking about it at this point.

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the lone hospice worker was with us through this final time, became one of

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our family members almost within seconds.

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Dad had always told me over the years, ever since I was a kid actually, to have a

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scotch and play music when this day came.

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He said it was a time not to be sad, but to smile, party, And toast life.

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I asked that hospice nurse if she would stay with us.

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She looked at her watch, 5:01 PM quitting time.

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You bet I can.

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And so she joined us in a scotch and a toast to dad.

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I thought she might think we were a little weird.

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So I said, Do you think we're weird?

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She said, Not a bit.

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Her response was, You see, I come from a good Irish family.

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when my grandmother was passing, and in a hospital bed in the middle

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of our living room, she lay there dying, as we all got soused on wine.

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So you see, no, you're not weird.

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With that, we laughed, and now my time was to take care of mom.

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Hospice is actually a good organization, as much as I said

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otherwise in the previous episode.

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there's a lot more in store for the next episode in Hospice Part Number 2 with Mom.

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Every experience is different, and I want to share these with you so that

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you won't be afraid, and will know at least a little bit about what to expect.

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On that note.

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Please share this episode with a friend, family member, or anybody else

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that you might know who's going under a little stress and strain and could

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be caring for somebody else as well.

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It can be your gift to them because it's my gift to you.

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This is Nancy May from Eldercare Success.

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Be well, stay well, and take care.

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Bye bye.